My house has doors like any other house does yet I cannot pass through. It is just timber like so many others yet it feels heavier than ten inch sold steel. Stepping through it requires a strength I do not possess, no matter how much I might want to be on the other side. I used to be able to go through my front door. The world was a place of possibility and adventure, full of wonder and beauty. I would go out and explore, exploring new places and meeting new people. I felt free, and I was confident in who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. Now though, my front door is a barrier between me and the outside world. I wish to leave and feel the sun on my face but agoraphobia has me tightly bound inside my home. My agoraphobia is like an invisible tether that keeps me glued to my house. It's an irrational fear of leaving my home and the thought of being outside can be overwhelming. My heart races and I become dizzy and disoriented. My palms start to sweat and my breathing becomes shallow and rapid. I become so overwhelmed that it can be hard to think beyond the next few seconds. Sometimes I will go as far as opening the front door, only to stand there and stare at the outside world. I can't bring myself to take that first step across the threshold. I am enveloped by a paralysing fear that no matter how hard I try, I will not be able to get back home. I have become so reliant on the safety and security of my house that I can no longer bring myself to take that plunge. My fear of leaving my home has become so entrenched in my mind that it is almost a part of me. I have become completely dependent on the walls of my house and they provide me with a sense of security that I can't find anywhere else. I don't know if I will ever be able to reclaim my life and fully step through my front door again, but I hold out hope that one day I will.
January 13th, 2023
Viewed 1,783 Times - Last Visitor from New York, NY on 11/28/2023 at 5:53 PM